The Search for Purpose & Meaning in Modernity as a Heathen

The struggle to find purpose in this life is harder than ever before. It seems like everything in society has been set up in such a way to not only keep you from figuring it out, but also to actively prevent you from pursuing it. Because of this, many people end up floating through life, directionless and empty, void of any meaning. This leaves a gaping hole in the soul, one that cannot be easily filled. I am one of those people who has struggled with finding meaning and purpose in my life.

I’ve tried out a number of things throughout my life, thinking that it was going to be my career. First was the military, then I debated law school, I even tried getting into cybersecurity and tech. None of these things worked out for me as none of them filled that sense of purpose. This has had serious consequences on my health, physically, mentally, and spiritually.

Because of my struggles with a sense of purpose, I’ve been dealing with mental health issues for over a decade now. I have a history of panic attacks and depressive episodes, with the most severe episode being this last October. I’ve made some progress, yet recently it feels like I’ve been sliding back into the chaos. Last February during an exam with the VA the doctor effectively called me a liar to my face and screwed me over. Due to his reporting, my disability claim with the VA was denied, even though I can definitively prove I injured both of my ankles during my service in the military and I have chronic pain because of those injuries. That experience tore open old wounds from my time in the military and has started a chain reaction in which I’ve noticed I’m beginning to slide back into another depressive episode. I mention all of this because it’s necessary to set the stage for where I’m currently at.

It is my firm belief that mental pain such as depression (by which I am specifically referring to Major Depressive Disorder, not simply feeling down or sad) is the soul crying out to you in pain. This is much like when your physical body experiences pain. The body is telling you that something is wrong and needs to be addressed. In this way, depression can be a good thing so long as it’s acted upon. So the question is: What am I not doing? What am I avoiding or ignoring? What is it about this event that has distressed me so? I already reported the VA doctor at every level that I could and am ensuring that I am actively defending myself and my boundaries. This is a good thing. So why do I still feel like crap? I’m a full-time student actively pursuing a bachelor’s in Developmental Psychology, I no longer drink nor overeat as a means of dealing with stress, depression, and anxiety. I exercise 5-6 times a week and I’m actively present in my family. What is it? By all measures, I should be doing just fine, right? Right? What is my major malfunction? Why does everything around me seem to be turning to shit??? Why can’t I catch a fucking break???!!!

Something dawned on me this morning. As I was on the edge of another nervous breakdown, at the edge of tears, thinking I’m a failure and I can’t do anything right, I began to think about what friends I have that I can go to and ask for help. I just have to say, “I’m at my breaking point and I don’t know what to do, I know you’ve got a lot on your plate, but if you could just make some room for me and my problems too…” And then I paused. I realized that was the problem. For a lot of my life, when things have gotten hard, I have tried to run away to someone else and outsource my problems to them. For some reason I don’t believe in myself and my own talents. So instead of relying on my own wits and intellect, I have a terrible habit of relying on other people to solve my problems for me. If I can’t find anyone to do that for me, I tend to ignore my problems, pretending they aren’t there until things reach a boiling point and there is no ignoring them anymore. I’ve sought out the advice of a number of people in the past, including Fiona Aedgar (shout out – if you’re curious about astrology, check her out, she’s legit and great!), and have been told that I’m creative, have a lot of things going for me and have very strong karma. It just seems that I have this hang up, this neuroticism that I just can’t seem to get past.

On the bright side, as I’ve mentioned, I’ve made great strides in my journey. I’ve lost 65 pounds (and still going!), have stopped drinking and overeating, and am actively pursuing my life purpose, my dharma, wyrd, whatever word you wish to use. I still deal with issues of feeling like I have to hide who I really am constantly. That doesn’t just apply to my spirituality, it also applies to almost all aspects of my life. Thankfully, I can be fully open with my wife. Without her, I don’t know what I would do. It is my hope with these reflections if you will that I find ways to heal the wounds that have been opened in my soul. I’m sharing them in the hopes that by being open, perhaps those who are also hurting may find solace in my words and know that they are not alone. The problem with being a Pagan today is there are so few of us. Additionally, many of us (mostly in the US) have to hide or feel like they must hide their beliefs. This makes it so much harder to find the help that we need when we need it. The mental health field also has next to no representation of genuine European Pagan therapists, whatever the flavor of paganism that is (Celtic, Germanic, Slavic, etc.). I wish to blaze a trail so that those who are hurting, yet have no one to turn to, know that there is at least one shoulder to lean on. If you need help, please reach out. You are not alone.